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When I was just five years old, adults would often ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up. My answers changed as quickly as the years passed. One day, I wanted to be a priest leading a congregation. Another time, I dreamt of being a dolphin trainer, spending my days caring for my favorite animal. Then there was the phase where I was convinced I’d become a marine biologist, spending my life at sea.
But as the years passed, I was informed of society’s rules and expectations. “You can’t be a priest because you are a woman.” “A dolphin trainer isn’t a real job.” “A marine biologist will barely be able to make ends meet.”
Throughout my life, society was trying to lead me to a job that could be defined as an accomplishment. To a job that would make a decent wage. To a life that would be satisfactory to the world around me. As the years faded, so did my childlike imagination for the future. Until one day, I decided to be a Civil Engineer.
Now, don’t get me wrong—I love math. Like, I used to do Calculus for fun kind of love for math. Engineering was the logical decision, and I am absolutely grateful for all of the friends I’ve made and the experiences I’ve had because of my decision to pursue a career in engineering. In fact, that is why I am sitting here writing this blog today. However, I would be remiss not to mention the fact that society influenced my decision to become an engineer.
From the time we are born to the day we are handed our final diploma, we are taught how to act, what to want, and what to plan for. School is designed to make good employees. We are taught to sit for an 8-hour day, to turn in assignments on time, and to show up regularly. Sound familiar? School is designed to breed good employees, not to help you actualize your dreams. In fact, there are times when you are told that your dreams are great and all, but grades are what really matter.
And you know what? If you get good grades, you can go to a good college. And if you go to a good college, you can get a good job. And if you get a good job, you can make good money. But here’s the reality: no one ever tells us what comes after that. All we know is that a steady paycheck comes in on time every Friday. And if we save our money, in 40 years, we will retire and live a good life.
We can accept this for a while because when we land that first dream job, it’s a real accomplishment. An accomplishment that around 20 years of our life has been dedicated to. It can be likened to summiting a mountain. But the longer we stare out at the horizon, realizing that this is all we will see for the next 40 years, the novelty wears off until one day we are left standing there wondering if this is it.
And this, my friends, is why we have an identity crisis in our 20s. Yes, some may call it a quarter-life crisis. But I would like to challenge that. You see, I believe it takes from the time we graduate to the day we turn 25 for the reality of our situation to sink in.
The reality is that we are living the life that another desired for us, one that society desired for us. But this reality we are living in does not make our soul sing. It fails to cater to the basic level of our being. The part of us that desires freedom, love, passion, and authenticity.
When we live the dream of another, we will never realize our own. Which is why our 20s are so critical. This is our opportunity to take back control of our lives—first in the small ways and then in life-altering ones. Once we realize that the life we are living is not ours, we can begin to decipher which beliefs, values, and dreams are ours and which are the ones we have inherited.
So how do we do this? How do we transform our lives into a life we want with every fiber of our being? We become experimental. We become observational. We become intentional.
Experimentation. This is the first stage. This is where we’ve woken up to a life we don’t want but have no clue as to what we desire. So how do we figure out what life will set our soul on fire? We try new things. You go to that yoga class. You try skydiving. You travel to new places. You meet new people. At first, this can feel daunting and overwhelming. When this feeling starts to sink in, remind yourself that remaining where you are today is far more overwhelming than the prospect of trying new things. So why do we experiment? Because those small joys that we partook in as a child are no longer at the front of our minds. We need to determine what reignites the joy within because that spark is what will help you lead a fulfilling life. Do you love helping others? Do you love trying new things? Do you love travel? This is what experimentation can tell us, but without observation, our trials are moot.
Being observant. Now that we have experimented and found the aspects of life that we live for, we must be observant. We must understand when something is creating joy and when something is lighting up our lives. The difference is that in joy, we enjoy our time. We look back on the memories fondly, cherishing them. Yet when something lights us up, we live for it. When I went on a cross-continental trip to Europe, I could not stop thinking about it. When I stood on stage for the first time and presented, I made it my mission to get back to that stage again. When you live for something, you cannot wait to return to that moment or to create new ones like it. Being observant allows us to discern between the two. That is not to say one is more important than the other; rather, we must be intentional with our observations.
Intentionality. Now that we know how to find and differentiate the moments in our lives, we must reflect and intentionally put into practice everything we have learned. Does spending time with a certain friend bring joy into your life? Schedule a call or hang out with them every week. Do you constantly look forward to the next time you pick up a paintbrush? Look into how to incorporate this into your career. What we need to do with everything we learn is incorporate more joy into our daily lives and pursue fulfilling careers where we are constantly looking forward to the next opportunity.
My darling, this is what life is supposed to be about. Where there is a will, there is a way. And my dear, your will is unbreakable when you put your mind to something. Know this: you are not alone. So many others are struggling in their 20s to find their way and find their identity. But by reading this post, you have taken the first step out of your identity crisis. Today, I don’t care if it’s 5 am or 9 pm, try something new. And perhaps you may finally find that thing that lights up your life.
